Reflections.

It is becoming more and more difficult for me to articulate what has been happening in my spiritual, intellectual and personal life since I have arrived in the Czech Republic. At times, I feel as if I have broken through the clouded mess that is my thoughts and things finally begin to make sense; I think I can make a definite statement on how I have changed and how living in the Czech Republic has nudged my passions into a different direction. Yet, then the morning comes and my whole existence, from exercise, to hobbies, even to what I eat, feels nebulous. I wish this feeling on no one, because I am not even sure that my confusion indicates a deeper more profound restructuring of my personal being or my idealism that I acquired in college. Maybe my confusion is a manifestation of seven months of stress and personal laziness when it comes to reflection? Ah, I don't know.

In trying to come up with tangible examples of how my thinking has changed since last year, and definently since 2007, I am often left going in circles. I loved the past four years of my life; the people I met, the books I read, the professors who challenged me and the personal searches and critiques I engaged in, all formulated, for a time being, a worldview that placed every inch of my life in the correct compartments. The years at Waynesburg and the immediate time after graduation were safe and straight forward. My idealism made sense. My passions made sense. My energy made sense. Yet, what didn't fit into the mold of my life were the hum-drum activities of actually LIVING. But how could it, if I never experienced the day in and day out work? So, I am left with the knowledge that I need a reorientation of my priorities and "life compartments," but I am reluctant to let go of a past that I am very nostalgic about. So, you see the circle? I can't let myself engage too much into changing my being, because I really am scared. It is unknown. And for the first time in my life, I am left without a plan, without a cause, and most horrifically, without an opinion.

I am continually infatuated with the engagement of passion and ministry: the tangible, creative acts of normal, non-pious people to speak and manifest God's Kingdom on earth in ways that make me sit back and say, "Wow." And in some ways, my job right now SHOULD satiate that yearning and hunger for such a "purpose-driven life" (I had to, sorry.). But, in truth, it doesn't. It isn't because the ministry here isn't creative enough, or isn't glorious (OK maybe that is part of it!?). No, it is because I am an inherent LAZY person. I mean, I have many interests, but rarely do I ever throw myself into full engagement with my thoughts. For example, I like theology, but I don't focus seriously enough to consider myself a "student" of it. I love the IDEA of language, but I don't like to think about grammar (even though I think it is EXTREMELY important). Sports are fun, until I realize that if I want to be in "shape," I should probably get myself out of bed when my alarm goes off, not rationalize why it would be better to wait until tomorrow. And in reality, the list goes on and on.

The confrontation with the REAL me, not one shrouded in facades of piety, intellect, talent, engagement and passion, has been hard to take. In ways, I am grateful for this ministry in the fact that I am here living in a different country, making new friends and experiencing culture; however, the ME is always glorified in every instance. It is true that some look up to me as a mentor and as a friend; I know it and I abuse it. At times when I let my mind wander, it usually ends up at the ego. How will people think of me when I am home? Will they be impressed with my language skills? Will they WANT to hear all of my amazing stories? ME, ME, ME, ME.....

This whole experience in the Czech Republic, has in ways, been my time in the desert, alone. It is a crucible of self-reflection (as is marriage) that constantly brings critiques back onto the man I really am and the man I pretend to be. Some days I hope for a life of quiet solitude, where no one wants to talk to me and where I do nothing exciting. (Is this statement in itself self-glorifying? I mean, why would anyone REALLY want to talk with me now?)

Also, I want to be a man of passion and engagement; I am sick of scraping the top of an interest and never fully delving and indulging in it. There are times where I admire protesters who are focused so hard on one issue that it seems they have reoriented their whole life around it, because at least they can sit back and say, “I cared, I REALLY cared."

I don't think I am making any sense, because, as I said at the beginning, misty eyes have become the vehicles through which I perceive the world; consequently, isolated statements and random thoughts are how I post. Sorry if you are frustrated.

I guess if I had to sum up my hope and my thoughts it would be this: I am a man yearning to reach a goal of maturity. I am a man fighting against my obsession with ego and fame. I am man attracted to power. I am a man too lazy to work for what I idolize. I hope to become a man of humble reflection and modest proclamations. I hope to be a man of deep interest and passionate questions. I hope to be a man who focuses not on glory, but on place. I hope to be a man who appreciates the now, not the "if" or the "when." I want to be a man who encourages others. I want to be a man where envy is the most foreign of feelings. I want to be a man who loved faithfully, encouraged relentlessly and was impassioned by beauty, the most free-wheeling, wide term of beauty that could be thought.