reflections

I'm normally a studious writer of my experiences; I either find time when the sun is just starting to set to jot down some ideas in my journal, or jump on this blog and type out another post. Yet, this past week has been quite different: I haven't found the time, nor have I had the urge to really put down my experiences to paper. I know that later on--maybe a few years from now--I'll regret this decision, as these past few days in the Czech Republic have been so wonderfully fulfilling, and at the same time, so emotionally exhausting that I can't seem to find an 'even keel' where I find contentment. Much of this feeling is inherent in the fact that I can't seem to make the fact that Jamie and I will be flying away from friends and our lives here in less than three days, a reality. I'll be leaving friends. I'll be leaving habits. I'll be saying good-bye--in a small way-- to myself, or atleast the person I've come to be known whilst living here.

Jamie and I have spent many nights and evenings these past few days sitting with friends who are usually crying; however, I'm never crying. I can't seem to make myself cry. When I see some of my Czech friends break into tears when they discuss the fact that I won't be here, I'm left feeling guilty, because I am not reciprocrating that emotion, and I hope that they understand that just because I'm not crying does not mean that I'm not sad. In my mind, I've come to view all the people and friends that I've met these past two years in the Czech Republic as being true friendships--ones that enrich my life for the better. I also know that some of them will weaken with the passage time, but I honestly am believing (and telling myself) that just because I'll be leaving on Sunday, does not mean that I'll never be able to see them again--and I know that I'm not just saying it to protect myself and my emotions.

This upcoming Sunday is going to be an exhausting day for both Jamie and I, as we will be officially saying good-bye to the church and the congregation who have supported us and who have become our community for these past two years. I've been debating about whether I should say a few words, but I'm content to just tell them thank you and that I've loved both years. And, really, I'm probably not going to cry while leaving. How can I cry? I would be more remorseful and sad if I had never taken the jump and moved to Policka two years ago; I am a better person for knowing them. That, to me, is not sad; in fact, it calls for a time of rejoicing, which we will surely be doing on Friday night during the 'garden party' in the yard of the church. I look forward to the last moment I can take down one last 'na zdravi' and dance with both the Czechs and Americans--of all different ages, sizes and even religions--who have become my root these past few years.

On a personal note, I must tell you that I've been really torn throughout this entire camp, as my family back home in America have been attempting to heal and deal with the fact that my Grandmother is very ill. Each moment I have time to reflect on my own, my mind instantly shoots back to my Grandma and my family; I'm worried for her health; I feel guilty I can't be there with her or them; and I've been struggling to get updated, accurate information about her actual situation. I'm all emotinoally mixed up....it's been the hardest week of my time spent in the Czech Republic.