Reflections

As the summer quickly approaches, I find myself more and more in a fit of uncertainty in regards to what I will be doing next year at Marquette University-- even though I've recently come to a tentative 'peace' in regards to my decision to go back to school. Upon first hearing of the fellowship offer, I was actually hesitant to accept--much to the chagrin of my mother--as I was not too keen about the idea of going back to the university setting, where I would (most likely) be learning highly-specialized skills that could really only be transmitted from one office job to another. I guess, in a way, I am still yearning for a more 'holistic' learning experience where my physical, emotional and biological being are challenged to view their existences as mere pieces in the symbiotic relationship that makes up "contentment": I guess to make it more simple, school tends to focus on a narrowly-chosen realm of being to educate-- be it skills in how to clean teeth, or skills in how to convince more people to buy more things. So, I said to myself that if I was going to be going back to school, then I would chose a major/study that would go against the trend of choosing fields due to their potential "job prospects", and instead immerse myself in a more 'classical' form of education that focuses on reading, writing and giving the student a more comprehensive understanding of historical perspective and international/social standing; therefore, I chose to study History (once again) with an emphasis in Global Studies. I know that this degree might not have a neatly-paved road to success and monetary bliss, but I'm content in knowing that I will enjoy the idea of learning, which I think too many universities and colleges have sacrificed to appease the industrial gods of "Profitability" and "Utility."

It's quite hard to believe that the Trinity Fellowship application is still technically progressing: I applied in December, received an answer that they "couldn't give me an answer" in April, and am now in the process of preparing for my "Confirmation Interview", which is to take place with my prospective nonprofit employer, the Adult Learning Center. I'm typing this blog post about thirty minutes before I'm suppose to call the current Trinity Fellow at the Adult Learning Center to ask her more direct questions about the Fellowship itself and the nature of the work I will be getting myself involved in. I'm a little bit hesitant to call, as I'm not so sure what to ask. I know that I'm probably supposed to have 'a ton of questions', but I can only seem to formulate a few, and most of them consist of such softballs as these: "What do you do on a daily basis?" "What is the most difficult aspect of the job at the Adult Learning Center?" "How do you generally balance your school work and you nonprofit work?" "Do you enjoy the professors and the academic rigor of Marquette?" I guess these questions are legitimate, but I feel as if there is some kind of unforeseen pressure on me to ask something really profound, but I'm just not up to it at this point in time...

Ever since a semblance of "spring" has arrived--which in Erie means it snows only during the morning--my muscles have been screaming to wrest themselves from the listless control of my daily movements--sitting in a chair and typing at a keyboard--to bound for the more atavistic pursuits of riding, running and sleeping under the slowly-blooming canopies of hard-wood trees. I hate the feeling of 'softness' within my body tissues, and each day I find that my legs are aching for the freedom to walk, to move and to have blood pulsate to every single fibre of muscle in my thigh and my calf. Yet, I continue to sit. And to the contrary, the dull pain that resounds in my tissue is not a reminder of a previous day's excursion, it is the consequence of four hours of sitting on my hind and squeezing off blood circulation. I want to get out. I don't want to ruin my youth while I'm still limber and full of energy. Oh, I yearn for a reality that doesn't relegate me to having my retinas accustomed to sterile fluorescent light, or my back atrophy into a position of rounded shoulders and shapelessness.