Reflection

A year has passed since I first stepped foot into my office here at the Quality of Life Learning Center, and I must admit that I've recently become rather introspective and reflective about my VISTA year and the experiences that I've garnered. And what shocks me the most is not so much my nervousness when thinking of my future plans, or the sense that I've reached a kind of closure with my life and friends in Erie, but it's the yearning and heart-ache that I feel when reflecting on the reality that in a month I once again will pick up and leave for a new destination far away from that which I've known as home for most of my life--Western Pennsylvania.

In thinking back to three years ago when Jamie and I were preparing to leave for our life in the Czech Republic, I didn't seem to think much about my family, friends and colleagues who I wouldn't be seeing for quite some time. I guess in a way, I was content in justifying my 'going away' by acknowledging their 'always being there': If I wasn't around, they'd be; If I didn't miss anyone, they'd miss me; If I came home in a year unchanged, so they would be unchanged as well. It was OK for me to be the entity that was always moving, never setting down roots and being transitory in all my life's dealings. However, what Erie has shown me throughout this past year, is that leaving again--for another two years nonetheless--will not be as easy as the first time. Right now I'm at a place where I realize that friendships, relationships and even kin ties are hard to keep and strengthen when one player--more often than not, myself--is not around. I noticed upon my arrival back to the USA that I did have changed friendships: I lost some friends, felt distant from my immediate and extended family, and had a hard time articulating how I myself was a different person. So, in a way, this whole year for me has been a process of healing in regards to rekindling old friendships and re-appreciating my family; in a way, this year was also one of coming to terms with my own self guilt for not being a part of anyone's life for quite a while.

So now, as I patiently count down the days until my departure date to Milwaukee, I can truly say that I'll miss those that I love, and although it seems a little 'new' to feel this way, I can say with confidence that it isn't an unexpected emotion for me, it's just that I have a hard time showing it.

Last night a group of colleagues from work and friends from Erie had a surprise dinner for me at a great Syrian restaurant. And as I sat amongst the ten of them, I was shocked and overwhelmed with how much they--each one being of a different color and race than myself--had accepted me into their social groups and into their lives. They brought me wine, money, cards and purchased a fantastic Kebab dinner. It was a total surprise, and I left the restaurant a little tipsy from Merlot, but full of TRUE genuine joy at knowing that I once again had made a community and that I had once again found great people. Let's just hope that some day I'll be able to stay longer than a year.

Here's to Milwaukee!