I heard his voice begin to tremble before I realized he was sobbing. The sun was shooting diagonal rays of light across his lap, forcing him to squint his eyes whenever he turned his head towards the direction where I was seated. That was when I knew our talk had become emotional. Jarda and I had been sitting for the past two hours listening to this man recount his days and experiences as a pastor under the communist regime. At times, the interview was saturated with guarded, sheepish answers to probing questions; and at others, it unfurled with candid and honest reflections.
Tomas Bisek is well-known in dissident circles here in the Czech Republic. He is one of the few pastors in the Evangelical Church who talk at great length about their past in opposition to the former Regime and its secret police, the StB. In the 10 years that he was a pastor in the small village of Teleci (about 7 km away from Policka), Tomas and his family were interrogated numerous times, monitored, harassed, threatened and, most famously of all, listened in on, thanks in part to implanted 'sound devices' in the ceiling of their house. The StB viewed Tomas as a leading intellectual figure in Czech dissident movement, especially the time right before and immediately after the signing of Charter 77 (of which he took part); culminating a few years later with the revocation of his preaching license, the relegation to life as a lumber-jack, and finally, emigration to Scotland in the year 1982.
At the beginning of the year, I know that I had told many of you I was working on a project to interview pastors and learn more about their experiences under communism. I had hopes of speaking with a minimum of five, but since that time, have only been able to hear from three. Tomas, due to health problems stemming from a battle with thyroid cancer, was very difficult to get a hold of: He flies back to Scotland about every other month. Jarda and I waited patiently for the chance to speak with him, which luckily came about a week ago. We had both anticipated this opportunity for quite some time, but had reservations: Would Tomas be well enough to speak for long periods of time? Would he want to speak to two twenty-five-year-olds? Would the questions seem armature and naive? Would I say something to offend him? Would he be short and curt?
I'm happy to say that my worries quickly left as soon as I entered into his quaint house, on one of the few peaceful, quiet streets in Prague. We took our places in the kitchen, across from a window that looked out over the hills and the Vltava River, giving us a prime view of the Cerna Most quarter of Prague, with its array of drab-looking, communist-era apartment buildings. The sun was shining and the temperature was warm enough to go on a stroll in short sleeves. It just seemed destined to be a positive day.
I saw the scar that ran across his throat as a reminder that life is fragile and fleeting. He can't produce saliva, so speaking has become quite a laborious undertaking. Every two minutes or so, a drink must be taken. If he is negligent in this, his lips parch and crack, quickly, right before your eyes (A few times during our interview, this did happen. He was so involved in thinking and talking that he forgot about his present state. This left me feeling guilty: here I was taking his attention off of his current affliction with memories from the past, and for most people it would be a welcome deferment, but when your past is like Tomas', it seemed a little unfair). I had heard from a few of my friends in Policka that the cancer has made him prone to suffer through bouts of extreme exhaustion; they were unsure as to whether he would be willing to answer more than 10 questions, let alone the 25 I had 'cut' down to. But, I had plans to ask 25, and in the end, we talked a whole lot more.
I can't explain to you my immediate feelings at seeing him sob. I knew that the last question was charged with emotion for any pastor, but with Tomas, it felt different. He didn't speak to Jarda or me much about his thoughts on the passing of life, a reality he has, I'm sure, been forced to ponder, but when I asked him about forgiveness and reconciliation, he answered with an openness and honesty that is not seen from Czechs. I believe it stemmed from a yearning to heal.
About 10 years ago the denomination attempted to set up a 'Reconciliation Committee', which would be the main avenue through which pastors, who have struggled with coming to terms with their experiences under communism, would be able to heal and receive counseling. This committee is necessary, because the Evangelical church has a very gray past when it comes to the regime and the forty years of its tyrannical rule. There were pastors who chastised their fellow brothers for being against the regime; there were church members who informed on elders; there was open debate within the seminary; and, the highest 'Synod' council was influenced, at times, by the Communists themselves. What this has led to today, is extreme guilt and shame on the part of some who might now have to live with the fact that they were on the 'wrong side' (not that this applies, because this history is very complicated and the line between 'good' and 'bad' was nearly invisible. But, you can imagine the human anguish for some of the pastors). The committee was a failure in that not one pastor came forward to speak publicly; this was only exacerbated by the fact that one of their colleagues committed suicide: Many believe that shame had pushed him to a point of no return. He didn't reach out for help. Consequently, when I asked Tomas about reconciliation and forgiveness, he answered that it is a pivotal question for the Evangelical Brethren today. I had originally asked the question in hopes of hearing him speak about forgiveness in regards to those who had persecuted him and his family, and to the contrary, I found that it is the church and his colleagues, the men who studied the scriptures, who've found it hardest not to forgive the StB, but themselves. And that is a battle all of us know too well.
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